Let's talk about trauma and the misconception that experiencing trauma means “we're doomed” to a lifetime of psychological pain. Trauma does indeed result in horrible memories which are distressing when they come to mind; but, it does not define us or our lives. As a mental health counselor, I want to share a possibly new perspective on how we can navigate through trauma using principles to understand the mind and see the past for what it really is. Looking in this direction brings fresh hope for what getting beyond trauma looks like and how to activate healthfully moving on with life.

Take a moment and think, what could it mean to you to realize that your thoughts do not “think you,” but you are the thinker, directing your own thinking? 

Imagine your mind as a garden in Spring with thoughts blooming like flowers. Trauma memories can be like a weed that appears to take all the nutrients from the garden, but remember, you are the gardener. The soil will provide for all that’s planted but you can sustain life for the plants you water and choose to plant in the light to flourish. We all have the power to cultivate a vibrant and resilient garden, even in the face of weeds like trauma, worries, guilt, resentment, overanalysis and unresolved grief. 

With insight, we can see that our thoughts are passing weather patterns. Traumatic memories may come. But, it does not diminish the shining of the sun itself. However, it affects our experience of the sun, how much we feel and see it in that particular moment. We acknowledge the weather and it informs our clothing choice or drive time allowance. This points to us caring and taking precautions if we are in a negative state of mind aka some clouds are in attendance. For instance, we may think, “I will send that email/text in the morning when my anger has time to cool off. If it still looks right for me to send when I feel better, then I can trust my clarity in the matter.” Basically, we all trust that our state of mind changes, as we also naturally trust the weather to pass and the sunshine to return. We wake up in the morning or simply exit the next meeting and the storm has passed by. The sun is just as powerful and bright as before, and we are able once again to experience more fullness of sunshine. This is the process of tending to our garden of well-being and knowing we can trust our thoughts more when we feel clarity. 

It is often common sense to appreciate clarity, though we can be blinded to the nature of thoughts and the role of state of mind when the clouds are compelling content of trauma from the past. When we ‘know’ how it works, we can trust that we'll feel our sunshine again. In this case, acknowledging that we will feel our everpersent well-being again soon. We do our best to get out of the way and let the mental atmosphere regain equilibrium. Human’s well-being is as reliable as the sun.

The past is carried through time like photos in a picture album - full of snapshots of our experiences. Trauma may be a part of that album, but it doesn't have to be the front page or the picture that we frame. We can flip through the pages, appreciating the good times, gleaning depth from the tough moments, and recognizing we are more than the sum of our past experiences and experiences are not our true identity. This premise is how we ‘catch up’ our life to the present moment and come home to our peace of mind after trauma. 

So, how do we grow in insight to better move forward after trauma? Look in the direction of first awakening to the fact you have done the best you could see to do in every moment, and the journey of forgiveness will kickstart. Secondly, turn curious about embracing the power of resilience and the beauty of growth. Just like a seed that pushes through the soil to reach the sunlight, we have the innate ability to heal and thrive. It's not about erasing the past, but about knowing what the past is and what is on offer in the present, laden with pure potential and hope for creating a thriving future.

Trauma may plant seeds of challenge. With the right care and nurturing, those seeds can blossom into your unique expression of natural resilience and story of how the “bounce” is what counts. Restoration is possible for your garden of well-being within yourself, where trauma’s place is understood, but it does not hold the power. 

I do not want you to take my word for it! You need to see that one for yourself. 

My wish today is that a seed of hope is planted. If you would like to talk more about this possibility for a change in perspective, please reach out.

Happy Spring!

With love and light,

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Affirming Feelings: A Gift to Remember

What if our parents said that to us often when we were younger? What if, when we had angry outbursts or when we came to our parents with a relationship struggle or a feeling as though we weren’t living up to our potential, our parents affirmed our feelings by saying “I believe you”? What would that validation give us? Would it give us confidence and hope? Would it help us to work through things while knowing we never have to be alone with our feelings?

What if I told you that you can give this gift to your children? What if I told you that you can give this gift to your spouse? Your sibling? Your parents? That’s the cool part; you CAN!

Understanding "Deeply Feeling Kids"

How many of us have been described as “emotional”, “old souls”, or as being “too much” or “a lot to handle”? How many of us parents feel this might be true of our own kids? Sure, we love them, but sometimes they are intense. Dr. Becky Kennedy refers to these kids as “Deeply Feeling Kids”. They wear their emotions on their sleeves and their vulnerability and sensitivities are never far behind. They might have angry outbursts when something doesn’t go their way. They might be unusually distraught when they can’t quite figure something out. They cry, they scream, and conversely, they love deeply, belly laugh, and live passionately. Anybody identifying with this?

Believing in Inherent Goodness

I believe, without a shadow of doubt, that all people, but especially children are inherently good. I also believe that people know what they are feeling better than anyone else. Sometimes it’s hard to connect with our feelings and put them into words, sure. But we know ourselves better than anyone else. This goes for kiddos too. They haven’t been taught all the fancy masking skills that we use in our day-to-day lives to continue to function in a society that seems insensitive to sensitivity.

The Gift of Validation

So, when we tell someone “I believe you”, we validate their emotions. We validate their personhood. This simple phrase gives confidence and safety; to know that whatever struggles are going on, they don’t have to do it alone. It lets someone know they are real, and they are safe. Let’s give it a try for the next week. Let’s hold space for our children, our spouses/partners, our loved ones. Tell them “I believe you” with conviction and see what happens.

The Journey of Parenting

Stay tuned for more posts on parenting insights. I believe parenting is perhaps the most difficult task in the world (and I’ve done some hard things). I also believe it’s perhaps one of the most important things in the world and unfortunately, our kids don’t come with an instruction manual. The good news is, there’s no evidence that we can permanently mess up our kids. We have time to optimize our parenting until it’s their turn to decide what bits of our strategies they’ll keep when raising their own children. Let’s try and make those bits full of love and grace. :)