Feeding my baby: Am I Enough?

“Both of my babies rode between the 5-15% [growth] curve.
This really affected my self esteem and made me question if I was producing enough.
Am I enough?”
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-Kala, IFM Health Coach, Mama to 2

From working in the NICU for years, I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding when I was first expecting. I had low expectations as I saw on a daily basis the struggles many babies have learning breastfeeding. I had this idea my baby would most likely never latch, there would be blood, tears, big emotions, I wouldn’t produce enough milk, or I would always have to do a combination of pumping and bottling.

My first baby, Nora, joined us screaming and crying and latched
within minutes of being born. She was a gentle baby that really
enjoyed being held close while breastfeeding.

​I breastfed Nora until she was approximately 17 months when I was faced with a health issue that forced me to stop breastfeeding immediately. I fed Nora for the very last time in a hospital bed hooked up to IVs and a bunch of wires. Not exactly how I pictured “weaning” her. It was traumatic and still hurts to look back at our last pictures of breastfeeding because we both had a very smooth beautiful 17 months sharing A LOT of time together. 

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​My second baby, Simon, in typical boy fashion, took a little longer to latch right after delivery but then once latched he never seemed to let go, same is true 1 year later. We joke he is a “boob boy”.  I feel wildly blessed I’ve been able to breastfeed two babies with no major issues.



With this being said, the journey of breastfeeding has still not been easy.

And that is what I wish someone would have prepared me for prior to having my own kids:

• the physical and mental exhaustion that comes with it
• the endless late nights
• the strong attachment to just mama
• the joys of pumping while at work
• the calculations it requires to keep stock in the freezer just to make sure care givers have plenty of milk to feed my baby when I’m not there
• the joys of finding the “right bottle”
• following storage requirements for milk
• cleaning the dreaded bottles/pump parts
• and probably the most difficult obstacle in our journey was the awful “growth scale”. 

Both of my babies rode between the 5-15% curve. This really affected my self esteem and made me question if I was producing enough. Am I enough? Thoughts such as maybe if my babies just had a little more milk from me they’d sleep better or maybe they’d fill out a little more with some extra milk. These scary, draining thoughts swirled in my head for both kids for at least the first 8-10 months.

For my son, I finally broke down and gave him some formula in addition to his breast milk.

And I want every mother to know how liberating that feeling is. To accept help, to accept formula may be just what my baby needed in addition to myself, not instead of myself. 

It was such a hurdle in my mind to give my child formula. I love and support each momma and dad amidst the struggles (and joys!) of breastfeeding. There are good days and bad days, and a lot of hard days but at the end of the day, what matters is that precious little mouth is being fed nourishing food, whether by bottle or breast. It is all given, made, and created with lots of love. We’re all doing our best!


Kala, IFM Health Coach

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​Here is my tributary picture, "The Joys of Pumping at Work".

(Kara would like everyone to know that a separate office was, in fact, blocked off for my use during my pumping journey)

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